FOR THE WHITE PERSON WHO WANTS 
TO KNOW HOW TO BE MY FRIEND

Pat Parker

    The first thing you do is to forget that I'm black. 
  Second, you must never forget that I'm black.

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I follow this prescription as a doula working with black women-- first forget she is black.  We are woman together and we can support each other through childbirth as fellow women.  Second, never forget she is black.  Her black woman-ness just like my white woman-ness is intrigal to who she is because because we live in a world where meaning, expectations, etc is placed on race, whether we like it or not.  of how society sees me, expects of me, views me, it shapes how we see and navigate the world.  There is a huge part of her I understand, I relate to-- her woman-ness, childbirth,  There is a huge part of her I don't relate to, no matter how badly I want to.  And that's okay.  You can't be everything for everyone, but as a doula I can use my whiteness in service to her black experience in the hospital.  How? I can be there for the black doula, so that she can just be her doula, I can field the racial bias issues or racial misunderstanding issue.  I can not be afraid of being called racist.  Don't let your fear of doing something racist stop you from serving communities that experience injustice.  

What can a white doula bring to the birth room of a black mother.  When there is injustice in the world, we all must do our part to resist it-- doulas too.  What can a white doula to do address the black maternal crisis?  A lot.   First recognize that it's not just a mortality/death disparity (dying in childbirth is rare no matter your race).  But what is not rare is black families feeling disrespected, misunderstood, and hyper alert.  There is a huge disparity here and it is far more common than maternal and infant death.  I'm glad mortality is being addressed but we must also address this other disparity if we want to address the mortality disparity.

Second, understanding and respected why there is mistrust.  My very own mother-in-law was a victim of the coerced sterilization practices of Mexican immigrant women in the 1970's in Chicago.  She is still alive. This is still very real.  There is a generation alive still today who underwent horrific medical abuse based on black and brown-ness. As a doula it's important to educate yourself on this.

 

And it's not enough to educate yourself either.  Make and foster relationships with other people, demonstrate commitment overtime, having your body present, not just having beliefs.   Mistrust of medical institutions by black and brown communities is completely understandable given the ugly history of medical science and maternal medicine.  And it won't get better until it is properly repaired, acknowledged.

 

 With dignity and humility.  Several doulas who are black women have said that when she go in to support a birthing black woman she must not only be a doula but also a "black doula".  They have to support women in birth and be the black person in the room for them fielding implicit racial bias.  A black doula is still being black in a historically black institution.  A white doula can never hold the role of a black doula, but she can use her whiteness in service to advocating for her black doula partners and black mothers.  

First, forget that she is black-- she is a woman and there is an understanding between the two of you as females going through childbirth.  Second, never forgot that I am black.

I've been working alongside and with black doulas and women in the birth support circle in Dayton since 2018.

There have been times where I have seen implicit racism play out in the birth room. Asking a 24 year old woman if she wanted her tubes tied.  It is important to learn and work with and from each other.  What does each of us bring to the table?

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FOR THE WHITE PERSON WHO WANTS 
TO KNOW HOW TO BE MY FRIEND

Pat Parker

    The first thing you do is to forget that I'm black. 
  Second, you must never forget that I'm black.

   

 

You should be able to dig Aretha, 
  but don't play her every time I come over. 
  And if you decide to play Beethoven -- don't tell me 
  his life story.  They make us take music appreciation, too.

    Eat soul food if you like it, but don't expect me 
  to locate your restaurants 
  or cook it for you.

    And if some Black person insults you, 
  mugs you, rapes your sister, rapes you, 
  rips your house or is just being an ass -- 
  please, do not apologize to me 
  for wanting to do them bodily harm. 
  It makes me wonder if you're foolish.

    And even if you really believe Blacks are better lovers than 
  whites -- don't tell me. I start thinking of charging stud fees.

    In other words -- if you really want to be my friend -- don't 
  make a labor of it.  I'm lazy.  Remember.